During a recent four-day road trip, my husband and I ate in lots of restaurants and observed plenty of parents in action—or inaction, as the case may be. One morning, we visited a funky, family-friendly breakfast buffet that featured a microcosm of parenting styles.

In the back left-corner of the restaurant sat a squirming, high-pitched infant whose parents were deaf to the annoying tone and the offensive volume their little one was hurling from his high chair. It never occurred to them to entertain their child outside the confines of the dining room until he or she calmed down. I watched the other patrons scrunch up their faces in painful portrayals of agitation and upset. As the baby’s poker-faced parents shoved forkfuls of pancakes into their unaffected mouths, they did not seem to notice the reaction of the other people in the room. I wonder…will their self-absorbed role modeling teach their child to develop into a narcissistic adult?

Back and to the right, near the kitchen, sat a couple who were sharing a meal with an adorable and very verbal preschooler. She was smiling full face as she expressed one amazing observation after another. To their shame, her two parents were indifferent to every word she so ardently shared—absolutely no response. Not one confirming touch, nod, or smile. I wonder…for how many years will she continue to be awed by the splendor of ordinary objects (like slick, shiny spoons), and how long will it take before she stops communicating her ideas altogether to such a vacant and expressionless audience?

To the left of our table and near the front door sat a mom and her teenage daughter. Their features sagged from years of sorrow, neglect, and detachment. They failed to engage in the delightful, and often meaningless, chitchat that so many mothers and daughters share. Instead, they gave in to silence and glum. I wonder…how lovingly will this daughter relate to her own offspring when she eventually becomes a mother?

Right next to our table sat the grand prize—a mother and five-year-old daughter who were so absorbed in their banter and play that they hardly noticed anything else around them. The girl spoke to her mom respectfully and pleasantly. And she treated the servers and other patrons with the same reverence.  “Please” and “thank you” dripped from this child as effortlessly as ice cream escapes from its cone on a warm, summer day. Both participants’ eyes twinkled as they joyfully interacted with one another.

After observing this mother-daughter duo for a bit, I inhaled a deep and wholesome breath and then released a contented sigh. Aaaah! The sheer beauty of it. A mom who took the time to teach her child that her behavior affects everyone else around her. A mom who listened, interacted, taught, and played. A mom who delighted in spending time with her youngster.

I don’t have to wonder what kind of adult this young girl will eventually become. I already know. She will be empathetic, confident, capable, and responsible. I feel privileged to have witnessed one small moment in the development of an honorable and decent human being.

Dear Dr. Essig,

Last night my parents announced to my brother and me (16 and 17) that we are going to have a baby brother or sister in six months. We were speechless!  My brother is applying to colleges, and our parents were preparing for an empty nest—not a full house. Our mother will be sitting at our basketball games wearing maternity clothes!  Our friends will know that our parents are having sex. Our parents are too old to have sex! This is so embarrassing!

We don’t know how to handle our feelings. Will I have to babysit all the time? Will I have a life of my own? Please help my brother and me sort this out. We are confused and, honestly, not as happy as our parents think we should be.

–Shocked Siblings

Dear Shocked Siblings,

For a variety of reasons, there is an age at which children are too young to have sex. However, it’s time to bring you down to planet Earth about adults. There is no age limit for adults to stop having sex. Sex is a normal and healthy part of a good marriage. Don’t be embarrassed by your parents’ love for one another.

At your age, it’s almost impossible to think of sex as anything other than a physical act that provides instant gratification. But for your parents, it’s different. After 18-plus years of commitment, they still enjoy sharing the intimacies of marriage. While this is difficult for you to comprehend right now, you will come to appreciate this concept in the not-too-distant future.

I bet euphoria was not your parents’ first reaction when they found out they were having another child. After all, they finally were catching sight of the end of their parenting years. A third child is going to be a big adjustment for them; a bigger adjustment than it’s going to be for you and your brother. You get to sleep right through the 2 a.m. feedings; they do not. They will be starting a new parenting cycle, yet again.

As for your mother sitting in the bleachers wearing maternity clothes, stop worrying. Your friends will love the baby and will probably offer to babysit. In fact, they might even be a tad envious of your relationship with your new sibling. And speaking of babysitting, 1) unless your parents are party animals, they won’t be going out much for a while, and 2) you’ll probably enjoy babysitting now and then.

Sister sibling, go shopping with your mom for baby clothes, furniture, and the like. Brother sibling, talk with your dad about the kinds of things you two can do together with the baby. For example, how about putting the little one in a baby “backpack” and taking him or her out to a ball game?

You and your brother were taken by surprise; that’s all. You will be a terrific big sister, and he will be a terrific big brother. The baby will look up to both of you, and you will have a new and improved role within your family unit.

Dear Dr. Essig,

This past week my mother, husband, and I were informed that my father has dementia. He wanders away from home, and then he doesn’t remember where his house is. He frequently asks my mother who she is and if he knows her. We have two children: Emily, 14, and, Kurt, 12. They adore their grandfather. The thought of him one day not being able to recognize them is tearing us apart. Please give us some direction so that our children can handle this family crisis with insight and understanding.

–Heartbroken Mom and Dad

Dear Heartbroken,

You have a long and difficult road ahead of you; each member of your family must do all he or she can to support the others. Your children have always been close to their grandfather, and they should continue to be close to him now.  Teenagers feel empowered when they realize that the adults in their world think they are worthy of sharing the responsibility of family heartbreak.  Perhaps, they can come up with some solutions and/or ideas that can help ease some of the strain and pain that your family is enduring.

Don’t be afraid to let tears flow as you express your devastation to your children. When you tell them about their grandfather, they will probably cry right along with you. After everyone finishes shedding their tears, hug your children and start to answer all of their questions—honestly. If “honestly” means “I don’t know,” then that’s what your answer should be.

Teach your children that love and touch are surprisingly powerful and intense. Although dementia cannot be cured with love and touch, your father will benefit from feeling his family members holding and stroking his hands—even after the dementia has advanced and he appears unresponsive. All of you should continue to tell him how much you love him.  On some level, he will hear you and he will know. Encourage your children to interact with their grandpa, but don’t pressure them to perform. How they relate to him should be left entirely up them.

Be thorough when you explain dementia to your children. Kids of all ages have imaginations and fears, so you must make certain they understand that they cannot “catch” dementia from their grandfather!

Prepare your children for the changes that will occur in their grandfather’s behavior from visit to visit. Explain to them that changes are to be expected. Parents who shield their children from all of life’s realities are derelict in their parental responsibilities.  

Your children are not too young to face this with you. You, your children, and your mother will get through this by supporting each other.  My heart goes out to you and your family.

(This advice is appropriate for parents of teenagers, not necessarily for parents of younger children.)

Summer. For children it is one huge vacation, and for parents it is often a very long time to have kids home all day. Here is a list of activities that may please everyone.

            ACADEMIC: Summer vacation can often be up to 12 weeks long. That is a huge gap for kids who struggle with academics. There are a variety of ways to help fill in that gap. Tutoring centers focus on your child’s weak spots and help strengthen those academic areas. Centers such as Sylvan, Huntington, and The Tutoring Club offer small-group help. These centers do charge, but sometimes this type of tutoring is just what your child needs to become grade-level competent.

            Seek tutoring from older siblings, neighbors, or other high school students. Contact your local high school and talk with the department head of the subject you need. He or she may have names of students who are looking for summer work. These charges are usually much lower than commercial center charges. Plus, you have the advantage of using the exact curriculum you need.

             Contact your child’s current teacher and ask for materials that will help you help your child. Asking for materials that your child will be using next year will help your child become more confident with the material before it is taught. Pre-teaching is an excellent strategy for those students who need extra time to assimilate the new content. Local community colleges and universities may offer tutoring in academic areas of math and reading. They are usually not that expensive; they may use upper division/graduate students or teachers as tutors.

            CREATIVE: There are many local sources to help your child express creativity. The local YMCA offers many opportunities for crafts, drama, sports, babysitting, and cooking!  Look for these activities early because they tend to fill up quickly. Community theaters often schedule special children’s performances during the summer. Local universities may offer opportunities for challenging students in the areas of math, science, and writing.

            ECONOMIC: Even though your children may be young, there are ways for them to earn money during the summer. Using a skill or interest is a great place to start. If your child is well-versed in using computers, hire them to organize your e-mails or set up a family Web page complete with pictures and stories that can keep the other relatives up-to-date with your family’s happenings. Have your children organize your family pictures or create scrapbooks; that’s another good way for them to be creative.

            While babysitting is a great way for teenagers to earn money, they might also consider pet sitting or pet walking. If your children love reading, have them create audio books for primary children. Reading a story, complete with sound effects, into a tape recorder is a great way for them to practice their own reading fluency and entertain younger children, as well. They can even offer their recordings to a local library or day care center.

At my recent book launch party, I savored the time I spent with a 12-year-old boy named Ryan. Not only is Ryan adorable and charming, but he expresses judgments and viewpoints that reflect the time his mother has spent teaching him honor, integrity, and family values.

Part of the program for book-launch day was to demonstrate how our upcoming My Goodness: My Kids Companion Workbook can help parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends engage the children in their lives in meaningful ethics-based, values-based conversations. The Workbook presents age-appropriate, scenario-based questions that adults and kids can explore together in small group settings or at home.

Ryan’s job was to illustrate to our audience how grown-ups in open dialog with children can fan the flames of insight and judgment in young, developing minds.

But what happened that day is what often happens when adults relate intimately to children. The planned presentation turned itself around and pointed its lesson back at the many adults who were present.

As Ryan confidently and unwaveringly answered provocative questions such as “What would you do if another student in your class asked to copy your homework the morning it was due?” the expressions on the faces of the adults in the room went from fleeting interest to jaw-dropping awe. As the adults apprehensively scratched their heads wondering how in the world they would answer the questions being asked, Ryan was confidently and unequivocally responding to the queries from an unmistakable foundation of standards he has been taught in his home by his mother.

Ryan was a hit—a huge hit. And he whacked many of the adults who were in the room right where it hurts—in their consciences. He didn’t vacillate; he held fast. He didn’t surrender his principles; he was unwavering.  He didn’t struggle to come up with creative solutions; he proposed what was right.

It was a joy for all of us to witness the wisdom and wonder of a young boy whose mother took the time to teach, discuss, role play, and guide her son. The principles he carries so naturally within him clearly are benefitting him and his family. But in the end, society will be the major beneficiary of Ryan’s strong character as he participates in and contributes to the world around him.

Dear Mrs. Goldman:  My 12-year-old son and my 9-year-old daughter are both avid readers. They read anything and everything, and I am not complaining. However, both of my children struggle with math. I tell them that both math and reading are important, but they would rather read than work on their math skills. With summer approaching, is there any way I can interest them in math skills, in addition to reading?  Linda D.

Dear Linda:  As an ardent reader myself, I understand the importance of having strong reading skills. However, I do not want to discount the significance of math in our world. A good sense of numbers is necessary in almost every professional field. One way to interest your children in math is to have them discuss career opportunities with your friends and acquaintances. Ask other adults to share with your children how math is used in their jobs every day. Industries like music, interior decorating, fashion design, and carpentry all use math.   Your children might enjoy math practice if it proved to be more exciting than “drill-and-kill” exercises pulled directly from a textbook or workbook. Many wonderful Internet sites can help pique their interest.

• http://www.pacificnet.net/-mandel/math.html, a site that is usually written for teachers by teachers, offers some interesting lessons that your children could try at home.
• http://www.agirlsworld.com/amy/pajama/school/studysmart/math-study-tips.html offers tips on studying, including forming your own study group with friends. Friends can turn a work session into a fun session.
• http://apples4theteacher.com/math.html offers a game atmosphere to kids while they practice important math concepts.
• http://www.aplusmath.com/ offers cool games that children love. In reality, these are flash card drills, but since they are on the computer, they feel like games!
• http://www.kidskonnect.com/content/view/292/27/ (KidsKonnect) is an arcade of math sites and games that will entertain your children while they learn.
• http://www.funbrain.com/math/ (Fun Brain) offers baseball-themed math practice just in time for summer. They also have other programs that offer math practice.
• http://coolmath.com/ offers games in all curriculum areas, including math.

Most of these sites are geared for children to visit on their own. If these are not what you are looking for, type “math games” into your search engine and see how many addresses come up! There are many wonderful Internet sites that offer real content practice. It has almost become unnecessary to purchase software for this purpose. Most Internet math sites include lessons appropriate for elementary school students through high school. If at any time your children require more practice (or just want to have fun while learning), keep these sites bookmarked in a special folder for your children to access. Most math game sites are child safe, but visit them first to be sure your children will be using sites you approve of.

Dear Dr. Essig,

We are the parents of a 14-year-old daughter named Ashley. Until now, she has been an easy-going, well-behaved child. Lately, she balks and argues about everything. She is disrespectful to us, her grades are poor, and she is late coming home after school. She has new friends, and neither her father nor I approve of the ones we have met.

It seems as if Ashley is out of control. She and her dad are on a father-daughter bowling league. Their team will be going to the county finals this summer, but Ashley has decided that she will not participate. Her father is heartbroken.

What has happened to our wonderful daughter? How can we rekindle our friendship with her?

Perplexed Parents

Dear Perplexed Parents,

First, I recommend an organization called Tough Love. They offer help to families who are struggling through situations like yours. Also, they provide support to parents who are working with Tough Love facilitators and other participating families.

You say, “It seems as if Ashley is out of control.” Well, Ashley is out of control, and you must not let her current behavior continue! You and your husband must be “joined at the hip” as you endeavor to turn Ashley’s behavior around and restore harmony to your household. Ashley needs the two of you to act like parents. There is plenty of time to be her friend when your child-rearing years are over.

Tell Ashley, “Because your behavior is no longer trustworthy, the rules in our house are going to change.” If she starts arguing, act like parents and announce your plan. Advise her that she now has to earn back your trust. Don’t give in to protests. If you do, you abdicate your role as parents, and Ashley pays the price!Here are some rules to consider:

1.    Act respectfully to your parents at all times.

2.    Come straight home after school (or we will start picking you up every day).

3.    Your friends are welcome here only if their behavior is appropriate. When they visit, your door is to remain open at all times. They will leave when we say it is time for them to leave.

4.    You may not go out with friends until there is substantial improvement in your grades, and then, we must approve of the friends.

5.    You will go to the bowling team finals. You will not let the team or your father down.

6.    The three of us will join Tough Love, which is a group that helps families who have gotten off track.

7.    You will start your homework before dinner and before visits from friends.

8.    If any of these rules are broken, there will be consequences

Tell her you love her, but explain that it is your responsibility to ensure that she grows up to be the very best person she can be.”

Marcia Essig, Ph.D.

Parents should have a child-rearing plan. It doesn’t have to be an immoveable plan. After all, life does unfold in surprising ways. But the basics of a plan should be there. We already know how to make plans. After all, we take great pains to arrange a perfect trip, an ideal party, or a sumptuous meal. We diligently sign up for training classes for our unruly pets. We eagerly schedule TV time so that we never miss a much-loved game, a favored sitcom, or the next revealing reality show. Yet when it comes to parenting, some of us are flying by the seat of our pants; we are unprepared, bewildered, and insecure.

What should you be reflecting on when you ponder your parenting plan? Grades? Talent? Popularity? All of these standards are fine. But first and foremost, consider constructing a foundation of values that your children can depend on and pull from as they struggle through their many childhood challenges.

Should you concentrate on your children’s grades, or, rather, should you cultivate a love of learning that will inspire your children to contribute to society in innovative ways for many years to come? Should you focus on developing a winning talent, or should you consider how your child’s natural aptitudes can be used to elevate him and others to greater heights? Should you fret over whether your children are accepted and well liked, or, instead, should you teach them to be kind, understanding, and empathetic friends?

Parenting is important enough for parents to think about, plan for, and act on. The values your children eventually embrace will affect their overall performance in life and their relationships with others. Children who live by an intended set of values, help to fashion a kinder and safer society for all of us.

Dear Mrs. Goldman, I have two children; Brenda is 11 and George is 13. Long-term school assignments seem to be an issue for both of them. Brenda is my “perfectionist.” Although she starts her assignments immediately, she feels as if nothing is ever done well enough for her to finish it. George is my “procrastinator.” He never seems to start anything in a timely manner. I am constantly nagging-at Brenda to finish her assignments and at George to start his-in order to avoid the late night crunch that inevitably takes place the evening before a due date. Help! I’m tired of nagging. –Laura T.

Dear Laura, you have two children who appear to be at opposite ends of the assignment spectrum. However, the solution may be the same for both of them. Brenda appears to be very capable, but lacking in confidence with regard to her abilities. George seems to feel his assignments are no big deal and that he will be able to complete them quickly once he decides to start.

An assignment calendar may be the solution for both of your children. On the calendar write when an assignment is given and when it is due. Be sure to add all of the other commitments your children have, such as sports, music lessons, or anything else that affects their homework schedule.

Along the way, add periodic checklist items that will help bring your kids’ assignments to fruition. By adding specific dates for partial steps leading toward the completion of the assignment, Brenda will be able to move along with her work, and George will see that his task is bigger than he thinks it is. If George sees small part asks that can be done easily and quickly, he may be more likely to complete each partial step on the calendar date, thus having the majority of the work done well in advance of his due date.

On your calendar, place your due date several days before the teacher’s due date. That will allow for unexpected events like illness, last-minute sports events, or other things that can get in the way of preplanned events. Having those extra few days at the end of an assignment will show your children that they can calmly add extra details to their assignments that wouldn’t otherwise get done.

When assignments are given weeks ahead of time, many students feel “they have plenty of time.” As a result, they do not use their time wisely. If the teacher does not give periodic partial due dates (i.e., notes due, outline due, bibliography due, et cetera), then you can help your children proceed with the assignment by creating a list of the tasks being asked of them. Using a calendar will help your children see the “big picture” and recognize that the whole project is made up of smaller segments.

Show your children your own daily planner. Let them see that developing time management skills is a grown-up behavior that they will have to master in order to succeed in an adult workplace.

Dear Mrs. Goldman, as the weather warms up and the end of the school year approaches, my son, a seventh grader, has developed a less-than-acceptable attitude about school. While it is way too early for “senior-itis,” his behavior definitely reflects that phenomenon. How can I instill in him how important it is to focus on his studies for the rest of the school year? –Danny’s Mom.

Dear Danny’s Mom, you are not alone. As spring arrives, this attitude becomes a common one for many students. Let’s look at some reasons why Danny’s performance might be falling and some methods you can use to motivate him.

•  If Danny is a good student, review his previous report cards with him; this will remind him that he is bright and capable.

• If being on the Honor Roll is important to Danny, show him how falling grades could affect that goal.
• If Danny has college in his future, look at college catalogues with him and review the entrance requirements. This will remind him that hard work now will help him achieve his acceptance goals. If he tells you that grades don’t count until 9^th grade and that he’ll work hard when he gets into high school, inform him that nothing miraculous is going to happen between eighth and ninth grade to instill good study habits. Those habits are developed over time. If he wants to be successful in school now and in the future, pyramid building is what is required.
• Remind Danny that if summer vacation is to be what he hopes it to be (camps, beach, accelerated classes, time with friends, earning extra money), attending summer school or other remedial catch-up programs might cramp his style. If he works hard until the end of the school year, his summer plans will be more to his liking.
• Examine carefully where and why Danny’s performance is slipping. Schedule a conference with his teachers; they might enlighten you to a problem that can be easily solved. Is Danny over-scheduled and left with little time to attend to his school work? Has a new sport started that is taking more time than he originally planned? There are some Little League Baseball games that don’t even start until 8 p.m. on school nights. Something like that could seriously affect Danny’s school performance. Take a closer look at extra-curricular activities to determine if you should re-arrange your child’s priorities.

Remind Danny that currently school is his job; it is his first and most important priority. To assure his continued success, help him make some adjustments to his schedule. In addition, remind him of a special activity that you have planned during summer vacation; this will help him keep his eye on the ball-a successful end of the school year.